America To Be Renamed “Budweiser”

The United States Congress, in a surprise move today, passed a bill to change the name of the country to “Budweiser” for the next 6 months.

Marc Collins, a spokesman for Speaker of the House Paul Ryan, said he hoped the name change would mitigate rising anti-american sentiment in this contentious election year.

“It’s easy to say ‘Oh I hate America. America is so bad.’ But imagine someone saying they hate Budweiser…that’s right, you can’t!”

He also claimed that rebranding was an common endeavor for all large corporations.

“I mean America, when you think of America, some bad stuff might come to mind: 13,000 gun deaths a year, rampant racism and xenophobia, only country to have dropped a nuclear bomb on a city – little stuff like that. But when you think of Budweiser, what’s the worst thing that comes to mind? Throwing up at your little sister’s Bat Mitzvah?  Attending a Kid Rock concert?”

Obama, the soon to be President of Budweiser, is expected to sign the bill within the hour.

Ryan’s office also released several images to give an idea of what actual implementation would look like:

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In honor of the change, we close with a small excerpt from a classic anthem:

Budweiser, The Beautiful

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
Budweiser! Budweiser! God shed His grace on thee,
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

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