BREAKING NEWS out of London today as a confused and disoriented Piers Morgan has once again mistakenly come to the conclusion that there is someone in the world who cares about his opinion.
Morgan, who today released a “thinkpiece” (please note that we do not intend the choice of the word “thinkpiece” to imply that we believe there was any thought involved in the process of making said piece) on Beyonce’s new visual Album Lemonade, seems to be under the impression that somebody, somewhere, had thought to themselves “I wonder what Piers Morgan thinks about this?” (Once again we don’t intend the use of the word “thinks” to imply that we believe Piers Morgan has or has ever had the ability to think”)
We called in our resident psychology expert for their professional opinion on what may be happening to Mr. Morgan, and they said the following:
“It is highly possible that Piers, in some kind of desperate grab at relevancy, has convinced his own subconscious that he is, in fact an important person. In terms of his attack of Beyoncé, perhaps he is jealous of her success and ability to influence social and cultural narratives in a significant way, while he remains an irrelevant windbag at the periphery of the national and global conversation. This tantrum could also be a symptom of a larger disease that often affects white men of a certain age when they are not the center of the universe and intended audience for every single product, whether that be music, movies, fashion, or legislation.”
Editor’s note: Our resident psychology expert wanted us to add that just because she used the word “subconscious” doesn’t mean she is guaranteeing that Piers Morgan has, in any way, a functioning consciousness (sub or otherwise).