Dumb News Alert: Class President Yet to Deliver on “Ice Cream for Lunch” Campaign Promise

BREAKING NEWS today out of Winnota High School as Class President John Waters faces criticism over his failure to deliver on a key campaign promise: Ice cream for lunch.

Class President Waters was swept into office on a wave of popular opinion after he promised broad, wide-reaching reform, including: no class on Fridays, no weekend homework, and (as recently mentioned) the inclusion of ice cream on the lunch menu.


Waters’ popularity and use of the bully pulpit helped other candidates (shown below) in his party win their respective elections as well, creating a student council stocked with political allies that would be amenable to Waters’ legislative agenda.

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Unfortunately, Waters term has proved to be less than revolutionaryDespite a stage set for sweeping reform, Waters’ administration has accomplished little to speak of. His biggest legislative achievement to this point has been moving the location of Prom to the Winwood Golf Course, which, as many claim, is actually largely the result of the work of the previous Jasmine Connors Administration.

Waters has sought political cover by publicizing a legislative package (providing funding for an ice cream bar in the Multi-purpose room) he pushed through the Student Council that was subsequently declared unconstitutional by the Faculty Advisor and English teacher Gretchen Mihn. He has tried to shift blame by claiming that he is doing all he can within the constraints established by Principal King, but public opinion is rapidly turning against him.

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10th Grader and JV Soccer Captain Cameron Cooks says she has grown tired of excuses:

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“This is a do-nothing administration. I mean the ice cream thing is obviously the most galling, but I went to the session last Thursday during lunch to lobby for new jerseys for the JV women’s soccer team and I didn’t even get a chance to speak. They spent the entire time looking at funny parkour fail videos on the internet. I wasted my whole lunch. I had to go the cafeteria during my free period and all they had left were confusingly wet tater tots.”

12th Grader and disaffected band captain Colin Harvey was less surprised by this turn of events:


“This happens every year. A popular white kid makes outrageous claims and promises and then gets into office and does nothing except come up with a different theme for homecoming. I’ll tell you what we need. We need someone from the outside, a peoples’ candidate who hasn’t spent their entire high school in the inner circles”

Not all students have given up hope though. 9th Grader and Geometry Honors Student Priscilla Franks claims to continue to be a fierce Waters supporter:

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“I’ve been there since the beginning. People need to understand that he’s doing his best and our system was designed to move slowly. Plus one time I saw him with his shirt off after Basketball practice.”

It remains to be seen whether Waters can deliver in the second half of his term, but with new rumors circulating that he was accepted Early Decision into University of Washington, Winnota High is likely looking at a lame duck President.

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