8 Best Ways to Smuggle Alcohol into Outside Lands (Using Only SF 49ers Kicker Phil Dawson)

Love Outside Lands? Love getting drunk? Then look no further: here are the 8 best ways to sneak alcohol into the festival (all you need is San Francisco 49ers Kicker Phil Dawson [pictured below for your convenience])

Phil Dawson:

1. Phil the Hole

You will need:

  1. Shovel/Trowel
  2. Bottle of Alcohol
  3. Phil Dawson

STEP ONE: Find a spot inside the festival boundaries (Chocoland’s probably best)

STEP TWO: Dig a small bottle-sized hole, place the alcohol inside, and cover it back up

STEP THREE: Dig a large man sized hole right next to the bottle-hole and put Phil Dawson in it. Make sure when you fill it back in, you don’t cover his head. This way he can keep watch over your alcohol as well as serve as a marker for where you buried it.

STEP FOUR: On festival day, go find Phil Dawson, dig out your alcohol and drink up! (maybe even give Phil a shot or two, he’s earned it).


2. We all Scream for Sunscreen

You will need:

  1. Sunscreen container
  2. Bottle of alcohol
  3. Phil Dawson

STEP ONE: Empty out sunscreen container (make sure you wash the inside with water)

STEP TWO: Fill sunscreen container with your choice of alcohol

STEP THREE: Before entering festival, cover Phil with the “sunscreen”. (Don’t forget to get behind his ears too)

STEP FOUR: Once your inside, anytime you need a little buzz, just give Phil a lick and off you go!

3. Lube Tube

This one’s for all you weed-lovers


  1. 2 Plastic sandwich bags (no sharp corners)
  2. Vaseline (any water based lubricant)
  3. 4 oz Marijuana
  4. Phil Dawson

STEP ONE: Place 2 oz Marijuana in plastic sandwich bag

STEP TWO: Cover bag with copious amount of vaseline

STEP THREE: Lubricate Phil Dawson’s anus with remaining vaseline

STEP FOUR: Slide marijuna bag up into Phil Dawson’s anal cavity

STEP FIVE: Place remaining 2 oz marijuana in second sandwich bag, which you should then place in your pocket

STEP SIX: While in line for the festival, Phil Dawson will “accidentally” poop out the first bag of marijuana and, in the ensuing chaos, you slip through safe and sound with the other bag.

Screen Shot 2015-08-04 at 4.57.45 PM

4. Eat up


  1. Loaf of Bread
  2. Mozzarella
  3. Basil
  4. Heirloom Tomatoes
  5. Balsamic Reduction
  6. Small Bottle of Alcohol
  7. Phil Dawson

STEP ONE: Cut out the inside of the loaf of bread, Place alcoholic beverage inside said loaf. Then add mozzarella, and basil. (DO NOT add tomatoes and balsamic reduction yet, as this will cause the bread to become soggy and unenjoyable)

STEP TWO: While in line outside the festival, add tomatoes and reduction to the sandwich.

STEP THREE: Offer sandwich to Phil Dawson. He loves Caprese sandwiches and will eat it whole.

STEP FOUR: Once safely inside (maybe in Chocolands), give Phil a quick jab to the stomach and he’ll vomit up your one way ticket to a truly epic Outside Lands

5. Field Goal


  1. Official NFL Regulation Football
  2. Knife
  3. Needle and Thread
  4. 8 oz. Marijuana
  5. An associate
  6. Phil Dawson
  7. Andy Lee

STEP ONE: Cut open football.

STEP TWO: Fill football With Marijuana.

STEP THREE: Sew football shut.

STEP FOUR: Set up around 36th & Fulton

STEP FIVE: Hike football to San Francisco 49ers placeholder Andy Lee. Then Phil Dawson kicks ball into Outside Lands premises (preferably Chocolands) where an associate of yours is waiting with open arms and soon to be dilated pupils.

Screen Shot 2015-08-04 at 5.01.14 PM

6. The “Beerito”


  1. Chipotle Burrito
  2. Can of beer
  3. Phil Dawson

STEP ONE: Insert beer can into Chipotle Burrito

STEP TWO: Offer burrito to Phil Dawson (HE HATES BURRITOS). In a fit of rage he’ll probably kick it away (hopefully in the direction of Outside Lands).

STEP THREE: Collect the beerito and enjoy

BOOZE-GUIDE-3-Arnaud-Deroudilhe7. Grapes of Wrath


  1. Cluster of Grapes
  2. Syringe
  3. Alcohol of Choice
  4. Blood Transfuser
  5. Phil Dawson

STEP ONE: Fill Syringe with alcohol. Inject alcohol into grapes.

STEP TWO: Offer grapes to Phil Dawson. Phil Dawson absolutely loves (green) grapes and will eat all of them.

STEP THREE: Phil’s Blood Alcohol Content will skyrocket

STEP FOUR: Once inside the festival (we recommend Chocolands) insert the blood transfuser into both you and Phil’s arms and enjoy the slow fade to blackout.

stock-footage-smiling-doctor-holding-a-syringe-against-a-white-background8. No If Ands or Butts


  1. Doctor’s Costume
  2. Full Surgical Suite
  3. Colostomy Bag
  4. Alcohol of your choice
  5. Phil Dawson

STEP ONE: Dress up like a doctor (or hire doctor)

STEP TWO: Convince Phil Dawson that he needs a colostomy (where they remove part of the large bowel (colon and rectum). After this procedure, he will be unable to pass bowel motions out of the anus in the usual way. He will need to have another operation creating a stoma, which is a new opening connected to a colostomy bag, which collects said bowel movement.

STEP THREE: Fill Phil Dawson’s colostomy bag with liquor and slide past security without a care in the world. Any time you need a drink, just bend on down for a little mouth to (brand new) ass action.

One thought on “8 Best Ways to Smuggle Alcohol into Outside Lands (Using Only SF 49ers Kicker Phil Dawson)

  1. Pingback: 29 Maneiras de entrar com birita em Festivais de Música » Dicas da vida

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