Dumb News Alert: Cure for Cancer Discovered-Only Available to TIDAL Subscribers

Tidalhifi

BREAKING NEWS today as scientists at the Jayz Memorial hospital have discovered the cure for cancer, which has long eluded the medical research community. As this news reached the public, celebrations spilled into streets across the world, as those with loved ones discovered their salvation.

Tears of joy soon turned to panic and anger, however, when it was revealed that this miracle cure would only be available to subscribers to the music streaming service “TIDAL”.

At $19.99 a month, TIDAL has struggled to perform against competitors such as Spotify, which offers the same service at less than half the price. To try to gain ground, TIDAL has advertised exclusive Beyonce music videos and other private events available only to subscribers.

Surprisingly, following the announcement regarding the cure, TIDAL’s subscriber count not only hasn’t risen, but has actually dropped 3%.

Dumbuzzfeed went to the local cancer clinic to gauge the public’s reaction:

“The cost is just too high”

“There are some things that just aren’t right. And you have to take a stand.”

“When I heard the news, I ripped the IV out of my arm. But then I googled TIDAL and…well…”

Holds up arm with IV in it

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