BREAKING NEWS today as it looks like Congress, in a bipartisan decision, has solved the debt crisis by “tucking it up into the waistband of their pants”. In large part due to recent recession, military involvement abroad, and extra soft boxers, the national debt has been growing at unprecedented levels.
Low revenue and high spending have engorged the debt to the point that the American people have started to take notice, making it a primary voting issue in the upcoming elections.
“I think I first noticed it when our government came back from Recess. They were trying to pull their shirt down over it, but the bulge was evident.”
-Brandon Wilkins, Colorado
“I almost felt embarrassed for them. I mean, the whole world was looking and laughing as it grew and grew. And they just left it out there for everyone to see”.
-Kellie Barnet, New Hampshire
Many believed that Congress would be incapable of solving the crisis, and it appeared as if Congress was simply going to sit at their desk and hope that the Debt would go down all on its own. But over time it became clear that the debt would remain erect and Congress would have to find another solution.
I think the deal we came to is one everyone can live with but no one’s happy with. A lot of us were perfectly happy to just put our hands in our pockets and hold it, but we live in a world of compromise
-Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell
We told our friends across the aisle that today wasn’t a good day to wear loose athletic shorts, but they didn’t listen and so we had to act quickly
-House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi
Only time will tell if Congress’ solution will be effective in the long term, but for the moment they’ll just have to borrow a pair of thick jeans from their frenemy China and hope that they don’t have to speak in front of the class any time soon.