Dumbliest Warrior: Dept. of Veteran Affairs VS Slowly Eroding Hillside.

Dumbuzzfeed is pleased to bring you the DBT: Dumbuzzfeed Dumberdome!

In the Thunderdome, we pit two real or imaginary foes against each other and predict who would triumph in an all out battle to the death!

This Week’s Dumberdome Contestants:

United States Department of Veterans Affairs  VS   A Slowly Eroding Hillside

                 

Region:

V.A.: The United States, usually found in exceptionally boring office building, typically distinguished by a facade that makes you feel like you’re about to read a 30 year old copy of People Magazine.

Eroding Hillside: Anywhere Inconsiderate A**holes don’t stay on the path

Weapons:

V.A.: Years of Backlog, Outdated technology, Boxes Full of Paper

Finishing Move: Keeping someone who’s calling to schedule a doctor’s appointment on hold until they die of said infirmity.

Eroding Hillside: Falling Rocks, Mud on your Shoe, Exposed Roots

Finishing Move: Slowly cover and suffocate (over the course of 50 years) a comatose person who was accidentally deposited at the foot of the hillside.

Analysis:

What we have here is siege battle. If we can answer the questions “Who can survive the longest?” then we can accurately predict who will be the victor. Both competitors are experts in the Long Game. Perhaps the only warrior more skilled in this arena is a stoned NPR Morning Edition Host. We ran hundreds of simulations. Here is a sample battle:

  1. The Hillside fires it’s opening shot when someone scrambles up the hill instead of taking the stairs. Several pebbles roll down.
  2. The VA, with a vicious counter, decides to utilize all personnel to transfer all paper records to this iMac
  3. A tree is cut down, the loss of the roots jeopardize the integrity of the hillside- Hillside charges up it’s finishing move.
  4. The iMac crashes. The VA takes another brutal shot and utilizes all personnel to transfer digital records back to paper
  5. It starts to rain. Hillside charges up it’s finishing move.
  6. A gridlocked Congress cannot pass an Appropriations bill to fund the VA for the current fiscal year. It’s absolute carnage out there.
  7. Shifting of tectonic plates cause a 4.5 magnitude earthquake. Hillside continues to take blows while charging up it’s finishing move.
  8. The VA is forced to furlough the majority of it’s staff, leaving only Carol McIntyre to handle all incoming claims.
  9. The Hillside doesn’t move.
  10. VA prepares to completely obliterate hillside by rejecting a request to visit a doctor by a veteran with debilitating disease contracted during his third tour of Iraq.
  11. In a surprise attack, hillside slowly collapses onto road over the course of a month.

Predicted Winner: Misery

Predicted Loser: Everyone

Stay tuned for more battles.

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