DumbPitchfork: Mumford and Sons New Album like Handjob with Wrong Hand

Mumford and Sons, a British Neo-Folk band, released their much anticipated third album “Wilder Mind” this May. As I listened to the title track, I felt the strangest feeling, like a right-handed person was giving me a handjob with their left hand. I initially ignored the feeling, but the Coldplay cover band continued to play, the feeling persisted, and I had to explore it.

It’s like the person giving the handjob knows what they are doing, but is for some reason intentionally handicapping themself. And you’re so excited to be getting a handjob, that for a second you don’t even notice. Because the last handjob (Babel) had been pretty good! And the handjob before that (Sigh No More) had been downright fantastic! But your first handjob always is. And after 20-30 seconds of the handjob, you think “something’s different”. Am I feeling more knuckle? It’s squeezing me in a different way. And you don’t want to complain or make a fuss because obviously it’s cool that you’re getting a handjob. And so you don’t say anything. Because, I mean, would you rather have nothing? Mumford and Sons is taking the time to give you a handjob, so be grateful! Maybe they’re just tired, or maybe you’re just not in the mood.

But then the song “Believe” comes on, and you’re like “Okay something’s definitely wrong.” And you look down and realize that they’re accidentally using their left hand, when they’re actually right handed. And you think, “well no wonder! Maybe they were just goofing around this whole time.” But then “Ditmas” comes on And you look up, and you see Marcus Mumford and he’s concentrating as hard as he can and a horrible realization comes over you. “They’re doing this on purpose”.

Now your main concern is how to get the handjob to stop. All previous hints of pleasure are gone and you are starting to panic. You wish you could just finish and get it over with, but you’re only a 1/5 of the way through the album and they have no intention of stopping early.

So you say “I’m pretty tired”

and they respond

“Say something, say something,
Something like you love me
That’s you wanna move away
From the noise of this place”

And you’re like, “what the fuck are you talking about?”

And then, suddenly, the truth hits you like a ton of bricks: somehow Mumford and Sons were turned into a 15 year old girl with an acoustic guitar, whose crush just asked someone else to prom.

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