“Shit’s gonna be okay”
In a recent video for Rolling Stone, the rapper Waka Flocka Flame announced he will be running for President in 2016. The announcement was soon trending on Facebook, and we are proud to give him the Dumbuzzfeed bump.
While many are immaturely making a joke of his declaration, we have taken the time to break down his campaign platform and elaborate on his ideas.
1. Legalize Weed
“The first thing I will do when I get in office is Legalize Marijuana.”
A true No-brainer, legalizing Marijuana on a federal level would jump start our economy and help to solve our crippling over-incarceration problem.
We want a president who will take action, who will get things done, no matter what the 10th Amendment says.
2. Foreign Diplomacy
At some point in the Video, Flocka receives a phone call from an unidentified caller. Without wasting a second, he answers and says,
“I don’t give a damn if you’re gonna walk. Fuck you bitches.”
Then he hangs up.
This is the kind of strength we want in our Commander in Chief. Someone who isn’t afraid to stick to his guns. We know that, if elected, he would answer a call from President Putin the same way.
“A blunt a day take the pain away…shit gonna be okay/”
Even with the huge healthcare advances gained with the Affordable Care Act, our Country is still mired in skyrocketing healthcare costs, heart disease, and other preventable causes of death. So Waka is right to make a healthy America a core tenant of his platform and we stand with him in this lofty but admirable goal.
4. Underage Sobriety
“Schoolwork getting too hard, don’t touch the blunt”
Underage drug use. Taking a note from 2 Chainz, Flocka advocates for underage sobriety. Our children are our future, and Mr. Flame intends to protect that future.
5. Dogs in Restaurants
“The first thing I’d fucking stop as President is dogs coming in Restaurants”
Well Played. Waka demonstrated his shrewd political mind with this statement. Dogs in Restaurants is the number one voting issue among grumpy men ages 67-84, and Flocka knows that if he is to have any hope of winning New Mexico and Arizona, he is going to have to motivate that constituency.
(But He Still Loves Dogs. Just not in Restaurants)
6. Possible Discrimination
“Anyone who got feet over size 13 can’t walk in public any more.”
Dumbuzzfeed parts from Waka Flocka briefly here, as we can’t in good conscious endorse a policy which borders on intense segregation. He says they will have to take “trains, cabs or buses”, which borders on some type of “1940s U.S. Japanese Internment”/”1940s German Jewish Ghetto System” situation. While we agree that people with Size 13 or bigger feet are very weird and off-putting, we urge Flocka to reconsider this possibly polarizing demand.
“Education is important. We need to start teaching these kids more reality, skills, trade skills… *unintelligible*”
Number 7 was probably the most compelling aspect of Mr. Flame’s platform. Our educational system is in shambles. Public schools are funded by local property taxes, which leads to de-facto segregation in public school funding. Waka acknowledges the paradox of a high school education that supposedly prepares kids for college, which is in turn is completely unaffordable. We stand firmly behind his call for “reality skills”.
8. Arts Education
“And they gotta learn my lyrics…before they get outta school or else they fucking fail and they gotta start from third grade all over again from twelfth.”
The rise of Science Technology Engineering Mathematics (STEM) education has seen cuts in arts programs across the country. Mr. Flame recognizes that this robs our future generations of creativity.
“I’m not wearing a suit when I go to a meeting. It’s fucking irritating…I’m going with a tank top, flip flops”
We’re tired of the status quo. We’re tired of the Washington elite career politicians. In fact, suits are just a way for those with social and economic power to entrench themselves further and erect barriers to entry for those with fewer means. Waka is a man of the people.
10. Fuck Congress
“Fuck the Congress”
Flocka is a man who can motivate the base and he is clearly (and adeptly) attacking Congress’s historically low approval rating in order to position himself as the young, motivated firebrand.
11. Consolidation of Power
“I am Congress. I’m President”
We’re tired of a hamstrung and impotent president. While technically a combination of the Legislative and Executive branches would completely undermine the philosophy and structure that the United States was built on, this power move is exactly what we need in this time of stagnation. Imagine a world where Waka Flocka wrote and signed the law of the land all at once. All that’s left is to absorb the Judicial branch and we would have ourselves a streamlined and agile government.
12. “Raise the minimum Wage”
“Since In n Out Burger is doing it. Great Fucking idea In n Out Burger”
Waka once again shows a great ability to reach across the aisle. Just because Republicans usually dumb as fuck doesn’t mean they don’t have good ideas sometime. And he is touching upon a very effective conservative idea: using ideas that were developed in the private sphere in order to improve the functionality of government. To put it simply: innovation.
If only we could fill the halls of our Congress-Presidency with great fucking In n Out Burger ideas.
14. Women’s Rights
“I feel like women got all the rights already…what else do they want?”
We’re gonna chalk this up to an “oopsie” and hope that Flocka’s campaign team convinces him to shift course slightly.
15. Campaign Strategy
“Hillary’s my only competition right now”
Flocka will be running as Democrat and is keeping his eye on the Primary. We’re glad he is not letting himself get distracted by thoughts of a far off general election.
16. Vice President/Head of State
We were all dying to find out who Flocka would put on his ticket, and he exceeded expectations, as always. DJ Whoo kid. It seems that Flocka will also be creating a secondary symbolic Head of State position for DJ Whoo Kid (i.e. Queen Elizabeth in Great Britain). DJ Whoo Kid and Flocka are perfectly in sync (an undervalued quality in a POTUS/VEEP team) as evidenced by Whoo Kid’s endorsement of Flocka’s position on legalizing marijuana.
17. “I’m the President”
And that confidence is why we Dumbuzzfeed endorses Waka Flocka Flame for President