10 Mistakes Everyone Makes in their First Long Distance Relationship with Belphegor, Prince of Hell

1. Have a Relationship Plan for the Future

Know where you are heading (what’s that light at the end of the tunnel?) Have a common set of goals. It will never work if you’re focused on a tech industry promotion and Belphegor is sowing discord among men and seducing them to evil through the apportionment of wealth.

2. Be Realistic

One of you is going to have to make sacrifices (And not just the human kind). Realize that you most likely have only three options:

  1. She moves to him
  2. He moves to her
  3. Belphegor steals your soul and you live together in infinite hellfire

3. Meet Regularly

Remember, you can only get a real connection by touching, feeling, or smelling a person (not by email or skype). Plan ahead and make a weekend of it: go to a museum, a weekend in a fancy hotel, or suggest crazy inventions to people in the 16th century and then, when they become rich, use their paranoia and greed to your advantage.

Don’t forget that Belphegor is Satan’s ambassador to France. I smell a romantic Parisian vacation in the works.

Also remember that Belphegor is physically and strategically strongest during the Month of April, so that may be a good time to plan a longer trip.

4. Use Modern Technologies to Communicate

You need all the help you can get so why not use the glorious benefits of our modern day world?!

  1. Get an email account. I don’t care if you’re “not a technology person”. If you love your partner, you’ll get used to it.
  2. Use Skype creatively. Maybe watch a movie together or cook the same meal while on Skype. You’d be surprised how fun it its.
  3. Belphegor can also be summoned through the sacrifice of human excrement, so say hello to your new best friend: Mr. Toilet

If you every get frustrated, just remember how it used to be 100 years ago…a letter would take months!!!

5. Give Yourself a Free Day

Park-with-peaceful-riverCommunication without physical interaction can wear on you. And you don’t want this frustration to turn into conflict in your relationship. Especially since Belphegor is known to rip out internal organs with his claws for feeding.

I’ve found its very helpful to insert a day, every now and again, with no communication. What happens then is you miss each other intensely and you find your love at a higher level than ever before. Who knows, you might even wake up to find a butchered goat or lamb covered in sage and lilac on your front step.

6. Don’t Forget About Sex!

hand-containerHere it is. What no one wants to talk about. Well we are going to. Sex still exists! Even at long distance. Don’t get lazy. You have your partner have to maintain intimacy in whatever way you can:

  1. Sexting. You don’t have to be a great writer. You don’t have to get too dirty, just let them know what you miss about them sexually.
  2. Webcam. You have one…so use it. Work your way up. Take it slow. But don’t be afraid to show a little skin, even if it feels weird at first.
  3. Get “Kinky”. Everything is diluted over long distance, so you’ll have to enter new territory. So change things up every now and again. Remember that even though Belphegor usually looks like a hideous bearded demon with horns and claws, he can take the form of a beautiful and erotic young woman. Encourage his transmutation!

7. Beware of Jealousy

Jealousy is a very (I repeat VERY) dangerous thing and can threaten every romantic relationship. If you ever find yourself obsessing over a Facebook photo of Belphegor and a girl from work where they seem to be standing just a little too close….STOP. Pick up the phone. Call him. It is always better to talk about these things out in the open than let them fester.

Belphegor can’t help that he is the dark god of licentiousness and orgies. But he made a commitment to you and you have to trust in that. Without trust, the relationship will crumble right away.

Likewise, be aware of what you are doing. Remember that any feeling of jealousy that you harbor, Belphegor is likely feeling too!

8. Avoid Dangerous Situations

Belphegor is a personification of evil and will likely torture or decapitate you in some manner. So don’t put yourself in unnecessarily dangerous/stressful situations like the DMV, public transportation, or anywhere remotely near Belphegor.

9. Ignore the haters

Everyone has a story about a long distance relationship that didn’t work: “So-and-so dated Mephisto, Prince of Darkness, and they couldn’t make it work” or “my cousin was in a 3 year relationship with Sheldon Adelson but they just grew apart and couldn’t even remain friends.”

But I promise you, for every relationship with an Arch-Demon that didn’t work, there’s a couple that got through the long night and are now happy and content in love.

10. Accept what will be

In the end, you can’t force anything. If you and Belphegor are meant to be, then you’ll make it work. But it’s not going to be easy. So get your skype account set up and draw that pentagram around your giant stone penis statue.  (A gallon or two of mint chip ice cream for the bad days can’t hurt either)

Good luck and know that there are thousands out there going through exactly what you are.

Best Wishes and All Praise Belphegor

One thought on “10 Mistakes Everyone Makes in their First Long Distance Relationship with Belphegor, Prince of Hell

  1. Pingback: Create your own Republican Presidential Candidate | dumbuzzfeed

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