DumbPitchfork Music Review: The Revelatory Audacity of the Spongebob Squarepants Theme Song

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Picture yourself on a rotting pier, staring at the vast despondency of the ocean. The wood splintering beneath your feet reminds you of school night dinners with your tacitly mirthless progenitors. The waves lap idly against the pier’s supports and as the sound nudges your ears, you are reminded of the great vacuum that is todays music industry. You have no choice but to fling yourself beneath the tide in hope of at least some silence. But as your auditory receptors are immersed in that marine protoplasm, a certain aural magic in the form of a question reaches you:

“Are you ready kids?”

And suddenly, an angelic chorus of children respond with frenzied piety

“Aye Aye Captain!”

Perhaps sensing some seed, some budding regret embedded in that answer, the suggested naval officer demands his tribute

“I can’t hear you”

They are prepared to make the sacrifice

“AYE AYE CAPTAIN”

________________________

This is the cathartic journey that I was taken on during inaugural auditory witnessing of the Spongebob Squarepants Theme Song. I say witness because I felt as if I was indeed bearing witness as one bears witness to the first day of spring, the death of a beloved friend, a moth slowing circling towards its own inevitable death at the hands of an innocent candle.

Composers Mark Harrison and Blaise Smith met with lyricist Stephen Hillenburg to create what can only be a considered a modern day masterpiece. This collaboration will indubitably rest in hallowed halls next to, perhaps, Santana and Rob Thomas or Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney.

Speaking of the Beatles, it is impossible not to see their fingerprints all over this composition. The SSTS (Spongebob Squarepants Theme Song) composers must be true students of history, because, at times, one could feel them striding across Abbey Road.

No artist wants to live their life as a comparison, even if said comparison is to some of the greatest artists of our time. SSTS, however, breaks ground on its own terms. SSTS brilliantly pairs the sounds of a mariachi band with the haunting anthem of a broken drum set and presents us with an inexpressible arrangement for the ages. Our only complaint is the transient length of the piece. At only 40 seconds, our euphoric enjoyment is short-lived.

DumbPitchfork gives it a 7.2/10 and waits hungrily for the sequel.

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