Dumb News Alert: CPAC event schedule mostly just screenings of “Die Hard”

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The Conservative Political Action Conference began Thursday morning, as Republican presidential hopefuls make their case for the support of the country’s most conservative voters. A source at Dumbuzzfeed was able to get ahold of the schedule, which appears to largely just be screenings of the movie series “Die Hard”. We contacted a spokesman for the conference who said, “The movies are a perfect analogy for our political identity: White male savior who is the only one standing between our country and complete destruction at the hands of immigrants.”

Here is the tentative schedule:

Thursday:

9 AM: Die Hard

11 AM: Gov. Scott Walker talks about dismantling unions to return to golden age of child labor and no bargaining power.

12 PM: Die Hard 2

2 PM: Dr. Ben Carson justifies elements of racism in conservative agenda

3 PM: Die Hard with a Vengeance

5 PM: Gov. Sarah Palin strings together several iterations of following nouns: obamacare, founding fathers, america, freedom, Joe 6-pack

Friday:

9 AM: Live Free or Die Hard

11 AM: Bobby Jindal tries to be relevant

12 PM: A Good Day to Die Hard

2 PM: Former Gov. Rick Perry wears glasses

3 PM: Die Hard

5 PM: Sean Hannity yells indiscriminately at passerbys while sporting raging erection

Saturday:

9 AM: Die Hard 2

11 AM: Phil Robertson from Duck Dynasty talks about how great slavery was

12 PM: Dr. Ben Carson justifies Phil Robertson’s comments

12:30 PM: Wayne LaPierre (NRA) advocates for fetuses right to bear arms

1 PM-1 AM: American Sniper on repeat

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